well I can't set my house on fire every night
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
