So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
