so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
