Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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