yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
