If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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