even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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