Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
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Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
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The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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