Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
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