i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
