I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
