I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
