You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
