saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
