You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
