I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
