why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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