Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
