Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
