i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
