i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
