proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
