I just gift wrapped bread.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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