I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
