Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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