Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
