I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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