the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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