We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
two words: eviction party
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
