Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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