OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
