My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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