I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
40s are totally the cure
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit