I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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