I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
they're reeeeeally big trays
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
What's dad's email?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors