tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Even my vagina gasped.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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