I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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