dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
