I just threw up on my dentist
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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