You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
