I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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