My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Is it penis luge time yet?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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