i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im holly from the hills drunk
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
