Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
