i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
