I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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