I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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