my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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