I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
