I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
