Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
