I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
