I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
