Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
