I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
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i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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