Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
