if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
