my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
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well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
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Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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