No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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