It's Friday. Sex?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
