i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
