If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My feet surprised me
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