I met the friendliest cop last night
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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